Finger Painting By Grace (Potted flower)

I am a single parent.

My seven year old son Janry is very special to me. In Solihull, we have each other.

He throws tantrums sometimes, and as a single parent I am the only person he can take it out on. I don’t know why his teachers never get his frustration, but I do. I have to deal with him saying 6/7 at every opportunity. It can be frustrating at times: 6/7. 6/7. 6/7. Six. Seven.

For me, being a family means being a team... it’s not only “men make the money and women do the housework”. It’s about being a team. 

Janry and me… we are our team. 

Jan’s kitchen utensils

When Janry’s mother and I separated I decided that I would take over her baking because I wanted to prove to Janry that I can be everything he needs.

I'm now working in the position of his father and I am in the position of his mother.

I’m doing my very best at both, and it is exhausting.

Janry likes my authentic Chinese home cooking, and especially my baking. Almost every evening I make him a home cooked dinner... and when I finish cooking I then need to do the washing. I sometimes think “Janry, is it fair that you are only eating?” but he is young and he will grow. For today at least, I will be his role of good father and I will be his role of good mother.

I can be both a good Mum and a good Dad. Not only your mother can bake!

A Gas Mask

Honestly, the only reason I would go back to Hong Kong now is for my parents. I miss them and they are getting older and unwell. Janry and I are unable to visit them, so our conversations are just online, or on the phone.

Hong-Kong has become a very broken place, not just for us, but for all of the citizens of the city, (expect some, which is really annoying). You follow the instructions and do not have your own ideas and you are fine - or, you are imprisoned for criticising the government. You do not have freedom.

In 2019 tens of thousands of people attended peaceful protests at which the police were very very violent: tear gas, rubber bullets, pepper spray, baton charges.

It was then that we realised that Hong-Kong was no longer feeling suitable for us.

Items of Jan’s that represent family and togetherness

Even before the protests I did not really love Hong-Kong. You could sense that the government were limiting your freedom of speech. I don’t think Janry growing up there would be happy. He complains about the homework he gets now, but schools in Hong-Kong… when I was at school, I would be up until midnight every day.

Initially we wanted to move to Malaysia: it was a simpler process at the time to move to and there was a MM2H visa. But when I was trying to submit the application my father was diagnosed with cancer so I had to totally abandon it. After the protests of Hong Kong in 2019 we went for a BNO [British National Overseas] visa because Britain offered us safety.

On the 30th December, my former wife, Janry, and I, moved here as we needed to find somewhere that was safe for our family. Because Hong-Kong was under British administration for 150 years... Britain offered us that safety today.

Items representing financial constraints

Hong Kong has always been tiny, and the flats in Hong Kong are even smaller. Housing was ‘terrible’ expensive. Even food was ‘terrible’ expensive.

It has been ‘terrible’ expensive since I was young. When I was 8, my parents moved to a new development out of town called Tuen Mun. It was cheaper than where we were living before, but it was two hours from the bread company my Dad worked at. This is the cost of inflation and it always feels unmanageable.

It is impossible to keep chasing inflation... when you have enough money for your down-payment the price of the house is suddenly inflated. And you can do nothing about it, and it is a never ending chase. No matter how much you earn, it is so hard to get your own flat.

It is high stress.

Jan’s items that signify family and separation

One year after moving here Janry’s mother left us both. She loved my money more than she loved me and Janry. We have found this out the hardest way. She was not part of the family team in the way that I had hoped.

On 30th December 2021 we had planned to moved to the UK to form a better life for Janry and for us, but in October 2021, she imposed an injunction on Janry meaning he could not leave Hong-Kong. She did this to blackmail me out of tens of thousands of pounds, which I would have had to pay her before she released the waiver for Janry’s freedom and new life in England.

I eventually gave her what she asked for. But, even now, she wants me to sell the flat we moved into in Solihull for half of my flats value.

I’m going to continue doing what I feel is best for Janry, and me.

A lit up mobile phone

Janry and I miss my mother and father [媽媽和爸爸]. I don’t have any interest to go back to Hong-Kong other than to spend time with them. They are getting older now and time is precious. They are 87, and their health is lower. I wish I could be there to help, and to spend time with them.

Janry knows that if he goes there, he might not be able to leave. In the summer of 2024 we went back to Hong-Kong to visit them, but Janry’s mother put a second injunction order against him. Luckily we found out when we were in Japan.

I try my best to be honest with Janry. With māmā hé bàba we talk on the phone, and wish them happy birthday on the phone, and enjoy spending time with them on the phone. It is not the same as spending time with them in person.

We are unsure if we will get to see them in person again. I really hope we do.

A mobile phone that is not lit up

I take the initiative to call her every few weeks.

She rarely rings to my son.

I am processing the divorce.

I try my best to support Janry, even when we have some difficult moments.

A pan from Hong-Kong and everything needed for home-cooking

I’ve been a cook from a very young age.

Every family needs a cook.

I was the youngest of the children in our family. It was 媽媽和爸爸 [mum and dad], my 5 years older brother, and then me.

When I was about 11 years old in the summer holidays my mum needed to get surgery in hospital and my brother and Dad had to work. So, someone had to step up to cook for the family, and that someone was me.

Today I have almost every spice in my cupboard. I don’t really follow a recipe, I don’t really need to... because they are all in my head.

Jan’s driving instructor model car

In Hong-Kong there is a policy to limit the amount of driving instructors, in order to keep slow learner drivers off the road, and ease traffic congestion. As a result, by demand, being a driving instructor in Hong-Kong is one of the most competitive jobs and they are paid better than the average subject to you sacrificing your time and health. Supply vs demand.

I was a driving instructor in Hong-Kong.

The job selection was almost a raffle, where hundreds or thousands of people applied and then they get dropped into ‘the draw’. I was number nine-thousand and something in the queue which meant that many of the people in the draw in front of me failed the test and many more would not get their chance. I won.

I became a driving instructor, and I enjoyed the wealth that that bought us.

I had a nice car.

Herbal remedy packaging

I was born in mainland China but my parents moved to Hong Kong when I was around one month. From Guangdong, maybe, I'm not sure.

At that moment China was a very poor country and my father and mother could not get the work they needed because they were working at the farms. They didn't get enough money for surviving.

So, they moved to Hong Kong to find a higher pay.

My father worked in construction, until he got pneumonia so he moved into working in sales for a bread company. And he wanted to try to get more money by setting up his own business selling herbal remedies.

But, from that you cannot make a good profit.

A chipped bowl, and a school shirt that is far too small

When Janry throws tantrums I sometimes show him this bowl and say “do you remember what caused the chip in this bowl?”. His mother used to get angry, and on one occasion in a moment of rage she threw a spoon. It caused this chip in this bowl and so I use it to remind Janry that anger can create real damage.

At one point he couldn’t get his school shirt on. He had picked up one he’d grown out of that was going off to charity. And, he was screaming because he couldn’t get his arms in. I said… “Janry, shouting doesn’t solve anything, try and solve it yourself”.

He breathed, went into his room and came back with a different shirt on, one that actually fit him. He proudly said “Look dad, I solved it myself”. I’m so proud of him for sorting it out by himself. As time goes by he will be facing different kinds of difficulties.

I’m only his assistant and all I want is to give him strength to stand up for himself.

Angrily shouting doesn’t solve anything.

A model of behaviour

My principle in anything related to Janry is: I will let him know ‘The Truth’.

I have to tell him the truth because I don't want him to think I'm a bad person... I don’t want him to get any disappointment because of my lies. But it's very hard. It is very hard to tell a 7 years old boy that your mother is... well she's not a good enough or mature enough to be a mother. It turns out, not everyone is cut out to be a mother.

Here is ‘The Truth’:

•⁠ ⁠Your mother wants me to sell this apartment and split the money with her.

•⁠ ⁠I don’t know when we can get back to see 嫲嫲 [Grandma] and 爺爺 [Granddad].

•⁠ ⁠Santa...

I am trying to show Janry that telling the truth is important. You won’t enjoy a person telling a lie. He copies me because behaviour led teaching is much better than verbal teaching. ...I do what I say.